My hot take on forgiveness,

Let me preface this by saying that this will not work for everyone or all scenarios . I am simply offering an alternative perspective, see where it might fit for you.

Many of the problems come in our lives when we give words meaning based on what we have heard rather then what we have contemplated and then understood. Forgiveness is one of those words. We have been told things like, forgive and forget, true forgiveness means you never bring it up again, just let it go. We have these sayings swirling around in our head and we think that we can not call on forgiveness for healing because we can't forget, we can't let it go and we can't give up not bringing it up again. So lets begin with what I believe about forgiveness and you can see if it feels like truth for you.

Let me first remind you what forgiveness is not:

It is not letting someone off the hook, it is letting yourself off the hook.

It is not saying what they did is right or ok, you have been wronged from your perspective, and your perspective is valid.

It is not allowing them back into your life, that is your choice and they do not need to be in your life for forgiveness to do its good work.

It is also not looking for a change in the other persons behavior or actions, you can not change someone else.

So what is forgiveness and how does compassion swoop in to help this be a little bit softer?

Forgiveness is for you to release your energy from the other person’s energy. Think about all the time and energy that you have tied up in other people, in past hurts. All that brain space and attention that is being used, being angry. You can get free of that. You can take your power back. Chances are the person that you are holding a grudge about does not even think about you, but you have to think about them all the time. That is not fair, but you have the power to change that, you can practice forgiveness and create separation from the pain and anger of the hurt, freeing you up to do more of what you want, live the way you want to live, be who you want to be. 

Now I have to bring compassion into the conversation because it allows you to forgive. One way that I find helpful to look at compassion is that the other is simply always doing the best that they can. Because quite honestly, if they had the ability to do better… they would. Let that sink in... don't rebuttal me right away, you can rebuttal if you want, but what if everyone was simply doing the best they could in the moment? 

Everyone you encounter in a day is dealing with a myriad of different things and they have varying tools on how to deal with them. If you can get your head around the statement “ I assume that everyone is just doing the best they can” It can bring so much freedom. Now again, this does not make what they did right, or correct, and it does not make it hurt any less. It simply means that we have no idea what other people have learned or experienced throughout there life. Something that may seem like common sense to you, may not be common to them. Something that seems totally wrong to you, may be something that no one ever told them was wrong. And yes there are many arguments that you could have with me about this, and that is ok. I am just asking you to see if you can see it a different way. What if they really didn't know it was wrong? What if they has no one in their life to teach them what was right? What if they do not have the social skills or emotional intelligence to be kind? To do the right thing? Can you have compassion for that? Can your forgive based on that? Reminder, I am not telling you that you have to forgive, I am just presenting an alternate narrative. 

Can you forgive knowing that forgiveness is for you? It is not for them. It is for you. 

People that you need to forgive, are suffering themselves… this is where compassion comes in. 

If  you can accept (and by accept I mean simply that it is happening, not that it is right, acceptance is another word we often give interesting definitions too) that people are just people wandering around this human existence doing the best that they can and sometimes that is going to be stuff you don’t like, but it has nothing to do with you and your happiness…. That is freedom, that is liberation…

See how this can fit for you, it might not work for all relationships, but see where it can fit. Every little bit of your energy that you get back is a win for you. 

Here are some quotes about forgiveness that might help you to shift perspective. Sending you all the love!

• "To err is human; to forgive, divine." – Alexander Pope
• "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." – Mark Twain
• "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." – Paul Boese
• "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." – Oprah Winfrey
• "Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace." – Jonathan Lockwood Huie
• "When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future." – Bernard Meltzer